Reading my archetype was interesting in many ways. Firstly, it read true, although much of the description I remember more as my younger self, undamaged by life experiences and environment. I resonate with the innocence, it's why I created this site under a different name, hiding away, protecting myself from the harshness of the world, peoples judgements, and society's expectations.

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I called this site 'Soulspeak' for a reason, it's how my heart, my soul, sees, speaks to the world when I feel safe and can be open without fear. This place is for my freedom of expression. A sacred space to explore and share. It is quite different to my 'mainstream' external persona, which is still kind, but there is damage beneath the surface and I can cut off in an instant if I feel a situation could be damaging. My protective shield comes up - quick! I easily shut out the world. I'm a hermit-ess seeking the path of purpose in the dark. It is not a side I want to keep. I want to live in the daylight, greet each day with wonder and possibility as I used to. I know when I'm shutting down, know when I'm treating people differently because there is something of a pattern I've seen before, in them. Sometimes, I feel guilty for behaving this way. I hate it. I want to help, trust, and love people. However, until I am fully healed, it's best to avoid anything that will bring me down. My time out has extended over years now, that is how deep the hurt was. Others may recover more quickly. I used to.

 

I am gullible, trusting, and give people more chances than I should. It's my way, but that has got me onto journeys that hurt. I didn't deserve it, never expected it, but had lived in the hope that I could make people and the world better. I put all of my energy into trying to make things better. I loved with passion, with all my heart. I wouldn't say it was wrong to do so, but I could have been wiser, which is easier to say in hindsight. 

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I find it hard to understand the cruelness in people and the world. I've always struggled with this. Even the tones which people use bother me, though they mean no harm. Yes, I'm sensitive, learning to de-sensitise. It's hard. I want to be me, to be all 'feely' without judgement, but I can't, the world doesn't feel built for it. These are the areas that I struggle with. My shadow self can be the opposite, cold and aloof. I don't resonate with that side of me, but it is like a mirror of the world. It gets me down. Is it really a coping mechanism or a self-destructive path? Being an empath, it has protected me, but I know it isn't healthy to stay in the shadows too long.

 

My soul is innocent matching the archetype, I'm protecting the light that is left. This website is an extension of that light, I hope that it will shine through and help those who find themselves in the darker shadow parts of self. I mean the doubt, the rejection, all the negative feels of old baggage, and new. I know how tough it is to remain positive at such times. I've worked hard to climb out of 'dark night of the soul', it's not over yet, life has been extremely challenging for many years. There are setbacks, but I find ways to get back in touch with that inner light. 

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One of the purposes of this site is to share with others, let them know it's okay to feel deeply, to accept that the world/others can seem harsh. Note, it's not always the outside world/others, but us - for when hurt, we create what we feel after that initial hurt. Imagine how we look 'outside-in'. When we're down, our faces, energy, give off what we are trying to avoid. This is the lesson, to not become what hurt you. It is something sooo important to remember. Yes, feel that pain, accept it, cry your heart out, but - shine again, and do this by remembering you are not the emotion. Emotions come and go - waves made of our thoughts. Change the thoughts, change the feels. It's difficult at first, but keep trying. Try for a month to redirect the negative thoughts - think of a happy self, what makes you feel alive, do something small that brings joy. 

 

Not everyone understands deepness, some fear it, and can't handle these topics for various reasons, and that's okay. In my experience, anyone who has been through the pain of the dark night knows about the hurts I speak. It rocks the very foundations of self. You feel isolated, misunderstood, unseen, and ache with such a yearning for anything but the life you are experiencing. There doesn't seem to be a way to make it stop, the pressures, the negatives. You beg for pauses of calm. You cry alone. Wrap your own arms around yourself because no one is around to give you the love you deserve. Every day is a struggle, a silent one, if just one more bad thing happens - you'll break completely. You will change your lifestyle to avoid doing anything that could potentially cause that to happen. Fight or flight - though some are too battle-worn to fight. It happens after one too many emotional hurts. It happened when one holds on to something which doesn't serve them and doesn't let go. It is a process, a hard lesson, but that is what the dark night is - a major turning point in one's life. 

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I've gone off onto a tangent about feels, this post was to be about the innocent archetype, but I guess I broke down the elements where my 'innocent side' got damaged bit by bit ending up or rather down, in the dark night. The innocence became surrounded by darkness and I got lost, became dimmed beyond what I ever thought possible. I remembered a time I shone brightly. My kindness extended from my soul as ethereal wings. I would keep giving, loving, as my cup was full but something happened, not one thing, it was gradual, the dimming. I didn't recognise it. Got lost in the feels under a cloud of confusion. Who was I? What has happened to me? I'm stronger than this, I would tell myself, but eventually, without realising, I let my cup become empty, and found no well of light to replenish it.

 

The missing elixir of life is...love. It is not just the giving but receiving that is needed. Are you giving love and not receiving it? How long has this been going on? I don't necessarily mean someone else filling your cup of love, but remembering how to fill your own. The well I speak of is your love/light...not someone else's. You are the keeper of your well. Gentle, kind-hearted people tend to keep on giving and forget to nourish themselves too. They put their own feels aside to help another - and way too often, then they go to drink and nothing is there. Some people will continue to drink from your cup of light, of love, as they haven't learned to refill their own. Instead of giving from your well, teach them how to drink from their own. Don't allow your own to run dry in the process. Don't stop sharing your light, but learn to be more aware of too many external servings. This can be hard for the givers, empaths, and the sensitive, but beautiful soul, it is so important to follow this guideline - you need to serve you too. 

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I never used to think twice about going out of my way for others. It felt good, made them happy, that's what made me happy - everyone's happy! Lol. Honestly, I still love this way of being, BUT I have learned to be more discerning of where I place my energy. It feels selfish at times to hold back from people and fight my natural self, but people do take advantage, and that is long-term damaging.

 

My idealism battles nonsensical realism. (Yup, meant to be the other way around, not in my mind). I'm working through my shut off areas. This was how I coped with the takers, the truly selfish. I just stopped giving. Shut everything/one out. Became a little bitter about the world and it met my shadow self. I had never met this side often before, never for long periods, but eventually, I had made it home without knowing. It wasn't a fun place to be, to wake from daily. There's a heaviness, a dread, not shifting, which made no sense but it felt strangely comforting in its familiarity. It is a place of a victim mentality whether we realise it or not, simply because there seems no way out, and you don't know what to do. The dark night is destructive, chaotic. I complained most days, which I hated but instead of screaming, it seemed a more polite form of release. I didn't realise how taxing this was on others around me. Soon, I saw on their faces, here she goes, yet I still couldn't stop myself. The unhappiness needed out to any willing/unwilling ear. It is frustrating, consuming, and desperate. I hated whom I was becoming. A shadow of my former self. This bitterness discolours everything, even beauty in its true sense. Nothing has colour, life, nor does it feel compassionate. If you come across beauty (in a person) it can do two things, make you bitter where you see only flaws/falsehood, or that reflection of beauty you once possessed too eats away for you no longer see it in yourself. You fall further into the darkness of not knowing who you are anymore. Or like me, I knew I still had beauty inside but seemed unable to make it out externally. The protective shield kept it inside, living in the dark, and only the worthy would know how to remove the boundary. It was screaming to be released but I couldn't figure out how to do this - I had lost that skill of how to be open, be vulnerable in front of others - innocence and trust now highly defended from possible foes. People had to prove their worthiness - that was my shield, one that never existed before. 

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